Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of … New Year’s resolutions


Jacinda Ardern

Let me be perfectly clear about my New Year’s resolutions. Now is the time to make pledges and set goals that my Government will aspire to meet on behalf of all New Zealanders and by all New Zealanders I mean every single one of us needs to together as a team of five million if we are to make anything happen.

And so my Government will implement a series of policies and programmes that will first need to be turned over to the consultancy sector because their feedback and advice is vital if we are to make anything happen.

Once the consultancy sector is finished making a full report we can discuss that at caucus level and send it back with a list of questions which may in turn raise more questions which is really just due process if we are to make anything happen.

And so if I were to be asked about my New Year’s resolutions I would say that while we must look to the future, we must never forget the past, and at the same time we ought to concentrate our efforts on the present, while allowing for the possibility that absolutely nothing will happen.

Judith Collins

No one is going to die not knowing what my New Year’s resolutions are! But I’ll spell it out for you. I’m not going to quit. I’m no quitter. I don’t even know what the word means.
Well that’s strange. Someone standing in the shadows has just passed me a dictionary, and underlined the word “quit”.

It seems to have quite a lot of definitions, and supporting quotes. There’s one by Shakespeare, from Henry V. It reads, “I should rob the Deaths-man of his fee, quitting thee thereby of ten thousand shames.”

What on Earth does that even mean? All I know that is quitting is not in my vocabulary!
Hm. More arms emerging from the shadows have just passed me another dictionary. This time they’ve underlined the first definition of the word “quitting”. It reads, “Leave a place, usually permanently.”

It seems as though people in the shadows are trying to tell me something. I really can’t make sense of it!I don’t even know what sense means.

James Shaw

I’ve been asked about my New Year’s resolutions and to that end I asked the Green Party research unit to look into astrological science because it’s interesting to try and get a handle of where things are at and where they’re likely to be going for the fragile orb known as Planet Earth.

And what they’ve come back with information that right now is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. Well, it’s interesting to note that Aquarius is associated with values which are very dear to the Greens, such as democracy, freedom, idealism, nervous disorders, philanthropy, veracity, perseverance and humanity.

And so my New Year’s resolution is I’m going to put some work into my nervous disorders.

Winston Peters

The commentators have written me off but I know that everyone’s still thinking about me and wondering what my next move is. A day doesn’t go by that someone from the fourth estate – which is just a fancy term for smart alecs who are unfit for an honest line of work, and who deal in innuendo, false information, and outright nonsense – wants to know what my next move is.

Well, I’ll tell you.

My next move is make a New Year’s resolution.

But if you want to know what it is, I’m just going to have to keep you guessing, except I will say this: you’ll be hearing from me.

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