Greg Gutfeld: The only thing viruses can't penetrate is the immune system of a habitual liar

Gutfeld: Our world is run by ‘but-heads’

‘Gutfeld’ panel discusses how people say one thing, then follow up with a ‘but’ that contradicts what they just said, as we’ve seen with regard to the COVID pandemic.

Happy Tuesday everyone. It’s time for my favorite show: The But-Heads.

Our world is run by buttheads. These are people who tell you one thing, then follow up with a “but,” that contradicts what they just said. They start with a panic line, but then condition it with: “but we still don’t know.” That way they get to scare your ass, then cover their own.  So let’s follow the “buts“, and see where these asses take us. 

According to Axios, the website, not my Pilates instructor, the country is bracing for a terrifying wave of omicron. But, the new variant seems to be much less severe. But Boris Johnson says there is a tidal wave coming. But one of his experts adds: only ten people have been admitted to the hospital with it. But we should have known: never believe anything a person says who doesn’t own a comb.

Still, you must get a third dose to bring the level of protection back up! Because the variant seems to spread among people who’ve received two jabs. But it’s not a big deal for those who get it. Still, you gotta mask up and get another dose. 

But this is nothing like the previous strains. Compared to delta — you barely notice it, and it’s much less powerful. If Alec Baldwin were the first strain, this one is Billy… Or Danny… Or Steven.

But! — new data from Europe “hint” that omicron is poised to explode in the US. True, they said the same thing about the metric system. But the variant is less likely to lead to hospitalization in adults! So this is the PG version of an R-rated film. Like when they cut out all the swearing and boobs from “Old Yeller.”

Fact is, more people are hospitalized for putting power tools in their butts, according to emergency rooms located near Home Depots. But two doses of Pfizer’s vaccine appear to be much less effective against severe disease — but you should still get a booster. Although – we have not seen anyone with severe disease — but hold on, it’s coming! But, so was the medical device I ordered online, and I’m still waiting. I had to make my own using an attachment from an old vacuum.

But a senior Biden flack told Axios omicron will come fast! But it won’t be as severe… But… There will be hospitalizations! But — the analysis of South Africa data said that the risk of hospital admission was 30 percent lower than the first wave. But– a two-dose regimen was 70 percent effective against severe disease requiring hospital admission. But only 33 percent effective against omicron. 

So- omicron is less severe – good. But it could still overwhelm the health care system even if a small percentage require hospital care! (s***!) The cases could reach a million a day here in America (s***!) But those cases could be asymptomatic and mild. (hooray!)

But –the growth of the cases could double quickly- – but it also appears to be already slowing down in other countries. But it’s too soon to tell. But don’t panic. But also, panic. 

But maybe even in hospitalizations, adults are less sick than previous waves. But while vaccinations do help reduce infection — but not transmission. 

In Denmark, 75 percent of omicron cases are among fully-vaccinated people. But you can’t compare countries – except when you do. But you can’t!

So omicron has high transmissibility. But it appears to be mild. But it could lead to a huge projection of cases. But we don’t have nearly enough data to make any firm predictions. So the people who are telling you to do something, are the same people who are talking you out of it! These people are sending more mixed messages than a straight hairdresser. So maybe call us when you know what the f*** you’re talking about!

Because to quote Axios, again– “there is certainly a strong possibility that a lot of Americans are about to get sick… Soon.” Someone actually wrote that sentence. Imagine if your doctor had that mentality.

Skit of doctor sending mixed signals to a patient

So what’s the bottom line for all the buttheads? Omicron is like that carton of Chinese food in the back of the fridge. It could be dangerous, but we can’t find anyone who died from it. But we don’t have enough data. So just in case, get a booster and mask up now, whether you’re vaxxed or not. 

But I thought that’s why we got vaxxed? To stop with the masks. Not anymore. Look at Joe Biden. He’s gotten three shots, but he still wears a mask. He’s like one giant walking butt.

So even if you’re alone at your desk, or alone driving a truck, or alone having sex… Mask up! But — not if you’re a politician! Then you can go to bars, parties, galas — and do whatever you want.

So these buttheads cover their asses by temporarily covering their mouths when a camera is near. Problem is — how can they tell the two holes apart? You can’t go by the smell of their breath.

So turns out the only thing that all these different viruses can’t penetrate are the immune systems of habitual liars. But it would be nice if they could. No ifs, ands, or buts.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the December 14, 2021 edition of “Gutfeld!”

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